**TOP SECRET** Space Alien Taxonomy **TOP SECRET**
Known Extraterrestrial Life exists in 3 forms: Grays Notable for their short stature and large, black, unblinking eyes, Grays are the most iconic of space aliens to visit our planet. They have round, relatively large heads, thin bodies and limbs, slits for mouths, nostrils sans noses, and are eerily earless and eyebrowless. It is rumored that Grays were piloting the not-weather-balloon-unlike spacecraft that crashed in the New Mexico desert and was subsequently covered up by the peacetime-drafted military and federal agents in dark sunglasses and fedoras. Grays are known to communicate telepathically and to only have a large, single multi-use organ in their chest cavities. They are the most common form of extraterrestrial life to be blamed for dreams about biomechanical anal probing resulting from latent, subconscious homosexuality in rural American males. They also catch the occasional cow-mutilation or crop flattening rap. They may have had a hand with some Pyramids and inventing Buddhism. Compared to all other aliens, however, they are of the “hands off” variety when it comes to Earth management. Reptilians Our reptilian overlords appear in human form and have been directing the history of earth on this planet for millennia. Every royal, politician, business leader, and authority figure other than your dad is secretly reptilian. They drink blood for sustenance and control world affairs through the Bilderberg Group, the Tri-Lateral Commission, the Free Masons, the World Bank, the International Monetary Fund, the Federal Reserve, the Illuminati, the Endarkenati, and, of course, the Priory of Zion i.e. the Jews. A brave Austrian named Adolf Hitler was the only human leader to not be a reptilian and fight against them, and history was rewritten to make him the greatest villain of the 20th century, even though Stalin, Mao, and the Americans (all reptilian) had respective body counts that made his attempts at world domination look like a one-panel Family Circus comic (especially considering the Holocaust never happened). Unfortunately despite setting himself up as their enemy, A.H. Wasn't aware of the existence of Reptilians, only of Nordics, which he mistook for his vision of the idealized Germanic Ubermench rather than a different species entirely. To be fair, they look exactly the same. Nordics Like the Swedish, but five years further ahead on minimalist furniture design and 600 years behind on mustache and hairband fashion, Nordics resemble northern Europeans of NBA stature with blonde hair, blue eyes, and gentle smiles. They are said to be concerned about world peace on Earth and the sustainability of the environment, and communicate this political platform telepathically. Some UFOlogists refer to them as Pleiadains, in reference to their supposed home area of the Pleiades Star Cluster, an assertion that is based on wild conjecture alone. Even weirder, they're sometimes referred to as Space Brothers, which sounds like it could be a badass Blaxploitation film written by Curtis Mayfield. Really nothing is interesting about Nordics, at all. They're just super liberal Space Europeans who don't even live here yet think they know what's best for us real people. Clearly they aren't aware our secret New World Order society is already run to perfection by our reptilian overlords and masters. Massive Apes Scientists have theorized for centuries on the large apes of the planet (aside from humans, which they mostly ignore). The top minds of every generation inevitably find themselves asking one question: "but where is bigfoot?" Soon thereafter they can be found growing a beard which wouldn't be acceptable at Applebees and investing in calipers used for measuring foot width and gait. While this research is ongoing, the meta-scientists (scientists studying the science of scientists, like a mirror facing other mirrors and two identical rubix cubes) then unerringly generate the following question: "but where is the even bigger bigfoot?" Hollywood cinema has led us to believe that these creatures are friendly in films like Mighty Joe Young and various Jack Black films. However, these films ignore a larger truth: the great jihad of the great apes. In the 1976 King Kong remake, the finale is held atop the World Trade Center; the ape would return a quarter-centry later to stomp the towers down a la the opening to the original arcade Donkey Kong game. While the government has done a great deal to cover up the monkeybusiness of 9/11 -- inventing Osama Bin Laden, making Bruce Springsteen relevant again, creating a distracting Nicholas Cage film -- eyewitness reports all confirm a large 50-foot-tall ape stomped the towers down. This is irrefutable. The origins of this jihad concern the stealing of large quantities of bananas during the silent film era, used primarily not for eating, but for silent film stars to comically slip on. The abuse was furthered when the apes discovered banana-shaped Runts candy, an abuse for which Wonka candy is still atoning. The final straw came when the Nation of Apes uncovered the film Planet of the Apes but, being unfamiliar with mise en scene or other traditional aspects of filmmaking, confused the apes with humans and the humans with apes. Taking the film as a historical document of their faith, they declared jihad in a voiceless, unsettling grunting. It was fairly anticlimactic, especially considering it then took them over 30 years to come up with the plan SEND IN A GIANT APE TO COMMIT TERRORISM, but at least it's more sensible than missles firing at the tower. You'd have to be an idiot to believe that. Even for a second. Even if you watched the documentary on netflix and then started questioning all the facts blindly accepting the movie as truth like that one time in 2010. Even if that happened, the ape thing makes more sense.